Monday, 9 September 2013

Dear Me

Day one at sea. And by day one I mean month 9 and by sea, I mean unemployment.

Today is a new beginning, Captain. Encouraged and inspired by the writings of other, more productive people - I have decided I will write a blog and I will do it for more than a day, every six months. Besides, what else am I going to do? One cannot read ELLE, watch Sex and the City and eat porridge forever. 

I don't yet know what this blog will be 'about' exactly. It's just another one of those things I can't make a decision on, because I want to write about EVERYTHING. Just like I want to do every job conceivable and learn everything, ever. And travel and get settled and meet a boyfriend then be single, have children, read ALL the books, be a popstar, be a writer, move to a remote island to do yoga all my life..

I understand it is slightly unrealistic of me to expect to achieve all of these things in one lifetime but I can always try. I suppose what I want most, like everybody else, is to be happy and to live without regret. 

As I sit around, unemployed and broke, worrying that i'll never get a job or have any money - the chances of achieving any of these things slips further away from me. Inexplicably, what then scares me is the chance that I might actually get offered a job - a permanent, paid one. Hang on a second! Is this really what I want to do? What if I don't like it? What if I realise I don't enjoy it as much as I thought I would? Should I have gone traveling instead? Should I have applied for a different position? Should I have done a different degree? What am I DOING WITH MY LIFE? Crucially, why am I being such a whiney bitch?

I must remind myself not to use this limited time I have worrying about what might or might not be. Most likely it won't be if i've spent my life procrastinating. So, if I don't get a job soon I guess I can go traveling - it's not like anything will be holding me back. If I do get a job, I will probably love it. If I don't, I'll do something else. 

I'm hoping that voicing, or writing, a few of these concerns will lessen the fear. Because ultimately it's the fear that is holding me back. I must not be afraid to put myself out there for the fear of it not working. It seems fitting to end on one of my favourite quotes. Obviously I don't have one favourite because I can't decide on that either. 

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." 
Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar




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