Saturday, 26 October 2013


Shhh. They're over there. In the corner.

My stomach lurched and my heart skipped a beat. There was nothing in the corner, I was suddenly, stupidly, afraid. I couldn't see or hear anything but she was so convinced I thought for a second maybe I was the one with the problem. There was such fear and insistence in her eyes, she was pleading with me to hear it too.

These are the fleeting moments of pure clarity in her voice and you feel the total conviction in her words. The frustration and desperation that seems to come directly out of her heart and penetrate into mine. It is frightening because she so firmly believes it. But we have no reason to lie to her. We're not hiding anything and we can only reassure so much. How do you explain to somebody that what they believe, know isn't real? I can see the sky is blue and I could not be convinced otherwise so how is her delusion any different?

There is a part of me that thinks she knows the end is nigh. I cannot begin to fathom the fear of knowing that the end is coming. I hope I achieve a state whereby I am no longer afraid of dying but I sense it is something you will never truly understand until you are faced with it.

Maybe for some the fear is too great for the heart to bear and the head takes over. I think sometimes she is confused at what is happening to her. I know she is angry. Maybe she is too far gone to be confused by it? I'm not sure. She has spent too many years now with no control over the body that is slowly failing her. All she had was her mind and now that is unravelling. Regrets and mistakes are presenting themselves in mysterious ways. Is she sorry for the way she treated someone? Is that why she hears their voice when it's not there? And yet, still, she has the ability to surprise us all with the most lucid of statements. I'm not happy. They are such heartfelt words and they hit you right in the heart. 

The mind is a very powerful tool and I hope that hers helps to make this transition a little easier. Perhaps it might make it harder for us but I just hope that she can be at peace when it is time to go. I don't want her to be haunted. I don't want the past to cloud the present. I don't want her to be afraid, confused or angry.

We are luckier than most in that we have had more time to prepare. This was inevitable. But it doesn't make it any less sad, it only makes it less surprising. It is the beginning of the end. 

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Puppy Sunday

Something terribly exciting happened at the weekend. I decided it needed a separate blog post entirely. I attended my very first puppy shower. Yes, you read that right. A puppy shower. Like a baby shower, except my friend will be 'giving birth' to a hairy puppy, and not, a human baby.

It might only be a puppy but she has decided this deserves a party just as much as any real baby. So along I went armed with a dog-friendly gift and some high, high hopes.

Turns out a puppy shower is pretty much just like any other party/day. Except instead of a normal/baby/whatever shaped cake, you have a dog shaped one. And, instead of gifts such as nappies, babygrows and bottles - you have dog coats and plastic bowls. I was primarily interested in the teddy shaped chicken nuggets which I ate A LOT of and instantly regretted. There were also magic stars and milky buttons - I'm 95% sure I ate the whole supply, which I also instantly regretted. Anyway, enough about food. Well you can never have enough food talk but I sense nobody else cares but me.

I happened to be about half an hour late to the shin dig - I mistakenly typed dog there, I do love an accidental pun. Anyway. I was late. This is down to the fact I couldn't for the life of me decide what to wear. Not for any particular reason, it was just one of those days where I didn't fancy wearing anything I owned. Which is annoying, mostly because it doesn't matter what I try on nothing is going to be good enough. It will take some kind of miracle. Opening your wardrobe door and walking through to some kind of Selfridges-Narnia, for example. This is not going to happen so it's really just a case of putting any-fucking-thing on, a tried and tested previously worn outfit, and being done with it.

This is essentially what I did. After taking the same outfit off and putting it back on again for half an hour - I eventually disregarded it and put on something completely different. This was interspersed with periods of just standing still in a pair of tights in my room, looking at my clothes. 

I really hate getting into moods like this because it makes the getting ready to go out situation so stressful, when it really needn't be. As I've said before, I make a conscious effort when I'm working to plan my outfits the night before to try and avoid this, because too often I've rushed to the station after being unprepared and uninspired.

So now I present to you the chosen outfit. Not particularly inspiring, but I (my mum) bought a denim shirt at the weekend and I was keen to wear it. It's one of those items I've been lusting after for a while so it was nice to find one in the Gap sale and I think it'll go with everything (small exaggeration). I ended up pairing this with a grey high neck, low arm hole dress with a slightly asymmetric hem that I've had for a couple of months. It only cost me £7.99 and I've worn it to death. I really should buy another one but I sense they're no longer in store however, H&M are generally quite good at keeping things in store a lot longer than say, Zara - who change their stock approximately every half hour. Seriously, what is that about? I swear it's a new season every week in Zara. Anyway, I went for this dress because it was clean, looks good with most things, is easy to wear and crucially, happened to be folded up right beside me at the time. Perfect.

Black leather jacket, River Island
Blue denim shirt, Gap
Grey jersey dress, H&M
Grey ribbed tights, no idea where they're from..
Mushroomy/taupe trainers, Vans

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Roll up, roll up. Another week, another round up of fashion show stoppers. Kind of.

I started last week with the best of intentions. After my pink week I had decided to try wearing something printed every day, and I managed find for the first few days. Unfortunately I was running a touch late on Thursday and didn't have the time to take a picture of my outfit. It was all downhill from there and on Friday I didn't quite get round to wearing a print. Hey ho..

On another fashion related note, this week saw the return of my Christopher Kane for Topshop alligator top. This collaboration was massive at the time and I remember how much I liked this top, but it was WAY too expensive for me. So imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon it in the sale. Ooh lucky me. I hadn't actually worn this dress in a long time, I felt like it was a bit past it for some reason. But, I bought it out in the summer when it was super hot and got tons of compliments on it so I've decided to wear it more often, thank you very much!

Sunday, 13 October 2013

let's talk about love, baby

Oh, love. How can something be so wonderful yet simultaneously so terrible? A broken heart. It's a pain so actual. It is shocking, it is physical. It's not a feeling you forget, just something you eventually stop thinking about all the time. Why do we keep going back for more when it can be so devastating? Well, people don't. I guess some never get over the fear of being hurt again while others do eventually come out the other side ready to try again.

As my gal pal Carrie Bradshaw asked before me, when you break up with someone - where does the love go? Where, indeed.

Having come out of a long term relationship, I am now happy and content by myself. I don't know how long this will last. But then I have never been one who struggles to be alone. In some cases, the emotional 'break up' already happened months or weeks before the actual deed - and therefore the split isn't quite a shocking when it happens. There is however, an added fun twist to the relationship aftermath. You know, your family knows, your friends know. Everyone knows it was right to end it. Except the ex. When they said love is blind, they weren't joking. That is, blind to the fact that said relationship ended for good reasons.

This is the knife in the back. As soon as your turned away, it hit you. This is the uneven pavement underfoot, and you didn't see it coming. Now you're surprised at the pain. There is something so painfully sad yet infuriating about a person who cannot come to terms with a break up. Especially one that ended for reasons so glaringly obvious to everyone except them. But no matter what the reasons for a break up are, if you love or loved someone - to an extent, there will always be feelings there. It would be very difficult for a long time, not to feel emotionally affected by their pain. Especially when it is you who has caused it.

Now I am not so naive or full of myself  that I think a person would be sitting at home, spending their entire life mourning over any failed relationship - but it is the moments of weakness that we all succumb to. The moment of vulnerability when you just had to text her. Or him. Most of us have been there and it is shattering. Such a heart breaking blow when someone you still love doesn't want to speak to you. But after the first few weeks, maybe months, you'd hope the abusive/begging texts (or the need to still text them) would stop. The amount of time it takes to get 'over' somebody is totally circumstantial but I would like to think that after many months of no or little reply to any communication, one might cut all ties until communicating in more amicable manner is possible. But what do you do when it doesn't stop?

It is something I wasn't unprepared for but I wasn't exactly prepared for either. I struggle to put into words the anxiety and sorrow I feel for somebody, who I once loved so much I felt like I might die if they left me, that cannot understand why I wouldn't want to be with them anymore. It isn't a case of explaining why anymore. It isn't about being reasonable, because love and hurt isn't reasonable. Whatever I have to say, it isn't what he wants to hear so he's not listening. And ultimately, it isn't up to me to make it better anymore.

Months have now passed. And I am uneasy. With all this spare time on my hands I find myself over thinking. (I can't help but link this to the fact I have not been running in a few weeks.) I still think of him and I am torn. I don't want to patronise but I am not cruel, I want to help lessen some of his hurt. I want to share some of my happiness. I remember it is not my responsibility. But, how can someone be so happy and another still be unhappy about exactly the same thing?

The initial giddiness at being single and feeling so free and so like myself again has faded slightly, I almost feel as though I am waiting for life to begin. Whilst I am happy - I am also anxious. I struggle to sleep. I have few distractions other than work, and I have become slightly lazy.

There is also the fact I am yet to start full time employment and I am on the cusp of this potentially happening, but the same worries about this still plague me. They say life is what happens when you're busy making plans - I am not so wrapped up in worry that I can't see that I should be enjoying my life rather than panicking about what might be. Things will happen.

There is the stirring feeling that perhaps I might be ready to start seeing somebody new. But I am still afraid. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be hurt again yet. I'm still sitting at the crotch of the fig tree. 

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Pink Week

It's Saturday, and that can only mean one thing. I made it through the week wearing something pink every day, obviously. I sort of cheated on Friday by wearing the same shoes again but at least they were still pink - and frankly, I was running out of options anyway. 

I actually quite like the idea of limiting or giving yourself boundaries when getting dressed. I don't mean not allowing yourself to be free with your outfit choices, because that's silly, but more like giving yourself a theme day to day or week to week. I might have to do it again - perhaps wearing only black all week or wearing the same jacket in 5 different ways? I think it actually helped me to get dressed a bit quicker in the morning - or when I was preparing in the evening. Giving yourself limitations means you're looking at a selection of your wardrobe rather than standing in front of EVERYTHING you own and feeling completely overwhelmed and uninspired. 

More than anything, I think it has also made me more experimental with what I wear because I had to chose things I don't normally think to just throw on. I ended up wearing a pink sheer dress I probably haven't worn in over a year - it's the only pink dress I have so I felt like I had to wear it - and because it's sheer I knew I had to wear a tee underneath. This gave me the idea to wear a vest under my black dress the day after - and it's an outfit I really like. Now my brain is fizzing with different themes for the coming weeks..hmm..

Take a look at what I came up with from Monday to Saturday. Click on my instagram or ask me for details on where anything is from, if you so wish.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Think Pink

Well a new week is upon us, and with it comes the task of thinking of exciting (and different) things to wear to work every day. I happened to wear a pink cardigan on Monday and another (different) one today so I feel I may as well make things a bit more interesting, and likely harder for myself, by attempting to wear something pink every day. This ties in nicely with the whole breast cancer awareness month. Look how that turned out. 

So in my quest to super organisation and less anxiety-based nightmares I like to try and plan my outfits the night before. Yes, I know. I was thinking on my way home I might be wild and go for a double-pink situation. YIKES. I had to hold the two shades up together because I'm not actually sure they go with each other so I might have to dial it down a notch and wear the pink sweater with a black skirt instead. But it's the thought that counts. At least this way I can wear my pink air max - which I'm pretty sure aren't included in the dress code but SCREW THE RULES.