Saturday, 26 October 2013

After

Shhh. They're over there. In the corner.

My stomach lurched and my heart skipped a beat. There was nothing in the corner, I was suddenly, stupidly, afraid. I couldn't see or hear anything but she was so convinced I thought for a second maybe I was the one with the problem. There was such fear and insistence in her eyes, she was pleading with me to hear it too.

These are the fleeting moments of pure clarity in her voice and you feel the total conviction in her words. The frustration and desperation that seems to come directly out of her heart and penetrate into mine. It is frightening because she so firmly believes it. But we have no reason to lie to her. We're not hiding anything and we can only reassure so much. How do you explain to somebody that what they believe, know isn't real? I can see the sky is blue and I could not be convinced otherwise so how is her delusion any different?

There is a part of me that thinks she knows the end is nigh. I cannot begin to fathom the fear of knowing that the end is coming. I hope I achieve a state whereby I am no longer afraid of dying but I sense it is something you will never truly understand until you are faced with it.

Maybe for some the fear is too great for the heart to bear and the head takes over. I think sometimes she is confused at what is happening to her. I know she is angry. Maybe she is too far gone to be confused by it? I'm not sure. She has spent too many years now with no control over the body that is slowly failing her. All she had was her mind and now that is unravelling. Regrets and mistakes are presenting themselves in mysterious ways. Is she sorry for the way she treated someone? Is that why she hears their voice when it's not there? And yet, still, she has the ability to surprise us all with the most lucid of statements. I'm not happy. They are such heartfelt words and they hit you right in the heart. 

The mind is a very powerful tool and I hope that hers helps to make this transition a little easier. Perhaps it might make it harder for us but I just hope that she can be at peace when it is time to go. I don't want her to be haunted. I don't want the past to cloud the present. I don't want her to be afraid, confused or angry.

We are luckier than most in that we have had more time to prepare. This was inevitable. But it doesn't make it any less sad, it only makes it less surprising. It is the beginning of the end. 

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