Oh, love. How can something be so wonderful yet simultaneously so terrible? A broken heart. It's a pain so actual. It is shocking, it is physical. It's not a feeling you forget, just something you eventually stop thinking about all the time. Why do we keep going back for more when it can be so devastating? Well, people don't. I guess some never get over the fear of being hurt again while others do eventually come out the other side ready to try again.
As my gal pal Carrie Bradshaw asked before me, when you break up with someone - where does the love go? Where, indeed.
Having come out of a long term relationship, I am now happy and content by myself. I don't know how long this will last. But then I have never been one who struggles to be alone. In some cases, the emotional 'break up' already happened months or weeks before the actual deed - and therefore the split isn't quite a shocking when it happens. There is however, an added fun twist to the relationship aftermath. You know, your family knows, your friends know. Everyone knows it was right to end it. Except the ex. When they said love is blind, they weren't joking. That is, blind to the fact that said relationship ended for good reasons.
This is the knife in the back. As soon as your turned away, it hit you. This is the uneven pavement underfoot, and you didn't see it coming. Now you're surprised at the pain. There is something so painfully sad yet infuriating about a person who cannot come to terms with a break up. Especially one that ended for reasons so glaringly obvious to everyone except them. But no matter what the reasons for a break up are, if you love or loved someone - to an extent, there will always be feelings there. It would be very difficult for a long time, not to feel emotionally affected by their pain. Especially when it is you who has caused it.
Now I am not so naive or full of myself that I think a person would be sitting at home, spending their entire life mourning over any failed relationship - but it is the moments of weakness that we all succumb to. The moment of vulnerability when you just had to text her. Or him. Most of us have been there and it is shattering. Such a heart breaking blow when someone you still love doesn't want to speak to you. But after the first few weeks, maybe months, you'd hope the abusive/begging texts (or the need to still text them) would stop. The amount of time it takes to get 'over' somebody is totally circumstantial but I would like to think that after many months of no or little reply to any communication, one might cut all ties until communicating in more amicable manner is possible. But what do you do when it doesn't stop?
It is something I wasn't unprepared for but I wasn't exactly prepared for either. I struggle to put into words the anxiety and sorrow I feel for somebody, who I once loved so much I felt like I might die if they left me, that cannot understand why I wouldn't want to be with them anymore. It isn't a case of explaining why anymore. It isn't about being reasonable, because love and hurt isn't reasonable. Whatever I have to say, it isn't what he wants to hear so he's not listening. And ultimately, it isn't up to me to make it better anymore.
Months have now passed. And I am uneasy. With all this spare time on my hands I find myself over thinking. (I can't help but link this to the fact I have not been running in a few weeks.) I still think of him and I am torn. I don't want to patronise but I am not cruel, I want to help lessen some of his hurt. I want to share some of my happiness. I remember it is not my responsibility. But, how can someone be so happy and another still be unhappy about exactly the same thing?
The initial giddiness at being single and feeling so free and so like myself again has faded slightly, I almost feel as though I am waiting for life to begin. Whilst I am happy - I am also anxious. I struggle to sleep. I have few distractions other than work, and I have become slightly lazy.
There is also the fact I am yet to start full time employment and I am on the cusp of this potentially happening, but the same worries about this still plague me. They say life is what happens when you're busy making plans - I am not so wrapped up in worry that I can't see that I should be enjoying my life rather than panicking about what might be. Things will happen.
There is the stirring feeling that perhaps I might be ready to start seeing somebody new. But I am still afraid. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be hurt again yet. I'm still sitting at the crotch of the fig tree.